lipsmacked in the face

Well...

It's already been over a year since I've graduated college. I wish I could throw out the ol' cliche: "time flies when you're having fun." But, whether this is news to your ears (eyes) or not, time's flying either way. Oh, yes, time loves to flap it's mocking wings in your face, bringing a nice gust of post-grad reality as it continues to fly right at you.

From May to May this past year, I had six different addresses. None of which overlapped. Six. That's five too many. In dollar form, that's what my Chick-fil-a order costs. I've developed a 'hate-hate even more' relationship with cardboard boxes, and am now quite accustomed to double-checking my browser's autofill tendencies in the address fields when ordering goodies online. Movings sucks. It sucks time, money, and life outta you. Especially when it's every few months. The word "home" lost its definition in my world for a while.

When I imagined post-grad life, I imagined a picturesque walk down the Woodlands waterway with the new besties I'd made, all with ice cream in hand and belly laughs for the win. Rather, I am in the middle of nowhere in a 1950's wood-panel rent house eating pistachio ice cream out of the carton with a baby spoon. Alone. Funny how life never quite turns out how you imagine...

Bringing home a paycheck doesn't even compare to coming home to community. In college, I had all types of friends. Best friends, classmates, sorority sisters, roommates, acquaintances, etc. I thought juggling all of those levels of friendship was extremely challenging. I have now come to realize that balancing the lack of friends is even more of a challenge. I've thought a great deal about the idea of loneliness and what place it should hold in my life over the past year. I don't think I ever came to a conclusion... more of an acknowledgement that it's just going to be there for now.

Having the expectation for loneliness to end, and then it not doing so is the literal worst. And for that to happen multiple times in a year just makes you want to throw away your expectations down the drain, right next to those hopeful expectations for guylights and lipsmackers to make a comeback. Maybe it's the day, or maybe it's the season as a whole, but life is just hard right now.

But take heart, because it's simultaneously really, really good. The funny part about this stage of life is that it drives you to learn about yourself. You learn more and more about your interests, the things that motivate you, new talents, new failures, etc. Perhaps the greatest thing about this season, though, is the way it has tested me. I'm stronger than I originally thought. I'm less handy with a drill than I'd hoped... though I'm working on it. It's also tested my relationship with Jesus. In college, there was always this underlying question of how I would respond when community is ripped away. When no one is right next to you pushing and challenging you, asking questions, wanting to meet up. When you are suddenly isolated and the people you see on the regs couldn't give two flips about whether or not you spent time with God that morning.

I haven't quite perfected consistency, nor has every morning been a shabba glory session for me. No no, I have a million miles to go, and want every day for Jesus to take me the only direction to go in ministry: lower still. I have to learn more and more how uncool I am and how beyond cool He is. But, alas! To the people not reading this, He has told me to take heart. That the time I have spent in the trenches this year, digging for authenticity and for genuine, unobserved time with Him has been beyond worth it. That the tears and the little seeds of character He deposits in me during the lonely weeks are all beyond worth it. He even reminds me daily that I am beyond worth it to Him. That continues to blow my mind! 

Mmm, yes, so although I started off saying it's been really, really hard. Let's finalize by saying that for all the hard, it's proven to be really, really good.

Thankful,

Aves.

prepare for takeoff

I find people so interesting.

I want to know them. I want to know why the curly-headed youngster next to me pops his knuckles nervously during takeoff, yet shows a toothy grin as he takes in the ever-shrinking ground below. I want to know what is in the backpack of the beautiful Asian girl next to me, and why she chose sparkly silver as her party nail color. I especially want to know why the guy I sat next to previously, a 55-year-old rapper named Mark, was crying for the duration of the flight. And why he wanted to get wasted before stepping aboard. And why he feels so much shame and guilt in front of God. And why wants a wife so bad. And so on and so forth...

I really think people are great. I discovered last Friday that I really enjoy when people dye their hair colors that aren't natural. And not as in the people who dye their hair the color of other peoples' hair, but the people who dye their hair colors that aren't natural to hair. Like blue and pink and purple. I actually want to give them a high-five. Maybe I just admire that they want something different out of life than the majority.

I like differences. I like opinions. I like variety. Flavor. Newness. I like change. I don't know what it is lately, but I've become intimate with a deep desire to never let myself settle in life. Whether that be marriage or work or dinner that night. If I had the choice between life and life abundant, I think I'd go with the latter. Rather, I know I would. Life is so much more abundant than Netflix and iPhones and Insta. And before the zero people reading this jump down my throat, those things aren't bad; they just can't be everything. A camera lens doesn't see life as beautifully as your eyes do. 

I think that's the idea behind adventure with Jesus. Sure, that can include hiking and backpacking and exploring the deep, inviting woods. But sometimes adventure doesn't look like a flannel and waterproof boots. It may just mean saying no to the easy yes to the hard. Hitting "exit" instead of "play next episode." Adventure with Jesus means life abundant. It means seeing the world from a constantly evolving, higher perspective. There is a big, big world out there, and there are places in it where He wants to take us, mysteries He wants to unveil.

Let's not miss it, Love.